Entry – 11/25/2006

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The above entry is just a line from Narcolepsy by Third Eye Blind – How’d you like to be alone and drowning?

To provide some context, I was still hurting from Meaghan leaving me, I was lusting after this waitress named Melissa who had told me the week before that her and I…ain’t never gonna happen. It was just as crushing as it was embarrassing, even to this day. I was also lusting after the receptionist named Kim at my then job, who I would end up finally sleeping with two years later while dating Amanda. I hated my job, I was perpetually broke and overdraft notices from Wells Fargo were piled up on my dusty kitchen table. I didn’t even bother to open them.

It was around this time that I started to have recurring, serious thoughts of suicide for the first time in my life. They would pop into my head at uninvited and random times, and they didn’t seem farfetched. I would think about who would be at my funeral, and whether or not Melissa would cry and wonder how the funeral director would style my hair for the viewing.

As an attempted escape, I threw myself into working out hardcore. Creatine, protein and late night running around Lake of the Isles in Minneapolis were the only parts of life I enjoyed. In the gym and on the running trails were the only times I could tolerate my life. I went from 165lbs to 191lbs. People who hadn’t seen me in a few months would ask me if I was on steroids. I fuckin’ loved hearing that. I think that obsession probably saved my life.

It wouldn’t be the last time that depression and  suicide tag-teamed me, however. They were just sparring with me then. They came back in fighting shape in 2011, ready for a re-match with a much weaker me.

At present, the coffee shop tonight was a mistake…a fuckin’ big one at that. Before tonight, it had been years since I had set foot inside a coffee shop, and I was instantly reminded why. I only went because I was inside my tiny studio apartment all day. I didn’t even bother to look at the name of the coffee shop as I walked into it in north Austin. On the inside, it was as cliché as you could imagine…dark, accent lighting, rope lights, dirty mis-matched furniture, local art for sale on the wall and crowded. People were sitting in groups of three or four talking about and working on non-profit type shit.

I ordered a large latte – why ruin the cliché? – and two young UT girls with Tri-Delt sweatshirts were just leaving their table so I grabbed it. Next to me was a late 40’ish couple working intently on their Macbooks, and I thought they looked too old to be using Macbooks and whatever they’re working on isn’t going to change the world, or even their own lives for that matter.

I sat there feeling unremarkable and then relieved when I remembered my SiriusXM subscription. It was only about six minutes until I could listen to The Kelly File and Megyn Kelly’s sultry whisky-kitten voice. I grabbed my iPhone, earbuds and waited for my Fox News fox. I finished my blah-te by the end of the second segment and decided to kill more time at Barnes and Noble, where I purchased Taipei by Tao Lin.

Megyn Kelly

On the way home to my studio that smells like boredom, I stopped at Target and bought a six-pack of Miller 64 Ultra, which I am drinking as I write this. I’m also listening to the new Kings of Leon record on Spotify as I start to feel a little drunk.